It's been a while since I've written on a more serious note, and this one's about something not everyone knows about me; and with circumstances at the moment, it's necessary. I am the oldest of two siblings, the other being my sister. Like any Filipino family, you are expected to bring home the bacon one day for your immediate family and your own family in the future. My dad and mum both had numerous plans for me. They  wanted me to be an engineer because it was a good job for a man and it was easy to find a job. They saw it to be a fit course for me being that I was amazing at math, but I saw otherwise. I chose to pursue a course in International Relations, because a) I wanted to help people and b) I wanted to see the world. It was that simple, but little did I know under the breath of my parents, they never did like my choice. Almost everyone immediately thinks that a course in the foreign service will lead you to a dead end job making and giving out passports, but we all know they're wrong; dead wrong.

Being in an international school didn't make it any easier. You had to raise your own nation's honor and be a top class student. Unfortunately, I never was. The best I did was being 3rd honors for two consecutive years, but this was just not enough. I don't know if you'd agree with me, but hearing the words 'Why can't you be more like...' or the words 'Look at... he's a good student, be more like him', really kills a person inside. Disappointment kills.

No. I am not blogging because I'm disappointed in people, but because I have disappointed one too many people lately. Recently, a favorite professor of mine talked to me, and it broke me inside to hear the disappointment in his voice as he talked to me. Of all the people I wanted to disappoint, he was not one of them. I came to a point in my life where I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to be sure not to disappoint anyone else who came into my life after I left Brunei, but I failed, miserably. Here's something you should all know. I can handle anything you may throw at me, you can say anything you want about me, but never say you are disappointed in me, because I swear, I am working myself to the bone to make sure I don't disappoint the people I love. Trace it back to my parents if you will, I love them and I always will, but never have I heard the words 'I am proud of you'. Yes, I am able to do good, but to the point of hearing those words, never have I come close. These are four words that I have always done my best to hear. Be it from peers, professors, friends or strangers, I take this and trust very very seriously.

To that professor I disappointed, I apologize to you. You have done nothing but inspire me, but somehow, I managed to screw up all you've done for me. How I will redeem myself is still a lingering question. To my family, I'm sorry okay? I'm not smart or that hardworking, I admit, but please remember that all I've always tried to do is to be enough; no more no less. To the strangers I see, I'm sorry if I have offended or thought ill of you. No one deserves that from anyone, we are all meant to be brothers and sisters. To my friends, whom I think I have disappointed on more than one occasion, I ask for nothing but forgiveness. I may not have given enough of my time and effort for all of you, and you have only me to blame for that. I tend to be selfish at times. To my other half, I apologize if I have disappointed you more times than I have made you smile. I still have a lot to learn, I'm still elementary when it comes to life. All I ask is for all your kind considerations and understanding. We are all here to learn about the right ways to be happy and to make others happy.